In an unprecedented and groundbreaking medical intervention, Saint Peter’s Prep senior Declan Schultz has been placed in a medically induced coma to battle a particularly grave case of senioritis. Doctors report that his condition had reached critical levels, with symptoms including chronic procrastination, an allergic reaction to Canvas notifications, and an inability to discuss anything other than graduation and summer plans.

“It was the most advanced case I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. DeSimmons, head of Neurological Research at Harharvardvard University. “He hadn’t turned in an assignment on time since November. At one point, he stared at a blank Google Doc for six hours before deciding he ‘deserved a break.’ That’s when we knew it was time for drastic measures.”

Schultz’s teachers noticed warning signs early on. “He was such a promising student,” said his AP Calculus teacher, Mr. Griffin, shaking his head. “But then he started showing up to class in a hoodie and Uggs every day and answered every question with, ‘Does this even matter after I get into college?’”

The final straw came last week when Schultz submitted a 14-word essay titled “Hamlet Was a Guy. Stuff Happened. It Got Weird. The End.” “It was at that moment we knew senioritis had fully taken hold,” said his English teacher, Ms. Gilderman.

Friends describe Schultz’s decline as “heartbreaking but relatable.” “He used to be so driven,” said classmate Nicholas Buckley. “But last week he called me at 2 a.m. just to ask if guacamole is a vegetable. We’re worried.”

Doctors say the coma is a temporary measure to protect Schultz from himself. “We’re keeping him under until his symptoms subside — probably around the end of AP exams,” said Dr. DeSimmons. “We’ll slowly reintroduce responsibilities, like basic homework and replying to emails, before waking him up fully in May.”

In the meantime, a team of therapists is working with Schultz’s family to prepare for his recovery. “We’ll have to rebuild his work ethic slowly,” said his mother, clutching a stack of incomplete college financial aid forms. “But we’re hopeful. At least he’s still on track to graduate — assuming he completes his service hours.”

As for his friends, they remain supportive. “We just want him back,” said Buckley. “Preferably before prom.” When asked for comment, Schultz’s only response was a single groggy whisper: “To what page did we need to annotate?”